I am a shitty person. We all are shitty people. That's just how life works.
I think ultimately it's part of growing up. We all have to go through that shitty person stage..some stay in it a little longer than others, and some do one shitty thing and never do it again.
As I've done some growing in these past 3 years I have realized how important it is to keep the good friends you have in your life and not do shitty things to them. I have ruined some pretty great friendships just by being a horrible person. Now it's not like I was being horrible on purpose. I didn't realize the mistakes I made until I went back and looked at some of the things I did. I'm young...I was 'in love' and I put my at the time boyfriend before my best friend, and that's a shitty thing to do.
Not all bad things come out of ruined friendships though..you learn what not to do to other friends, and you figure out the definition of a true friend. I'm not going to sit here and say that I was the only person in the wrong, because I wasn't, but the point of this post isn't to put anyone on blast.
I don't really know where I was trying to go with this..but moral of the story..just don't be a shitty person all the time. Try to be understanding, and try to be kind to everyone you meet and all of the people you decide to make a part of your life and you should be just fine.
In other news, I am so ready to move back to Illinois it's insane. There are so many amazing, great, and wonderful things that are waiting for me back home and I can't wait to share them with all of you!
Have a happy night and remember to be kind always.
xoxo,
Summer
Tuesday, September 29, 2015
Tuesday, September 1, 2015
Another Life Update
Wow, I seriously haven't written anything since February.. That's actually so embarrassing I just can't. But on the plus side, I have a lot to update ya'll on, so I suppose the best way is to just get started.
Since we last spoke, I've fallen in and out of love..hard.
I met this boy (online, where else?) and I swear the chemistry was INSTANT. Ya know when you meet someone and you just know. Well that's what it was like, this guy brought out a side of me that I didn't even know I had. We were inseparable for five months, planned on moving in together, even looked at engagement rings together, but life has a funny way of working out, and all good things have to come to an end.
Guys, it's been a month and a half, and I'm still not over it. I can't even begin to tell you how many sleepless nights I've had, or days I've gone without being able to eat anything because I just feel so physically sick. I put everything I had into a relationship that ended just so out of no where. I was totally blindsided. The worst part is that he has a new girlfriend already (not as cute or as great as I am, but still) and I'm over here still trying to put the pieces of my life back together. I know we all have to go through this horrible heartache at some point in our lives, but I'm a pretty strong girl, I did not expect this break up to affect me as much as it has. I didn't even get to say goodbye or anything. He went to a softball tournament and came back and literally texted me and was like we are done. I'm even more pissed at him because he took the easy way out. I hate when guys do that. But the last time I saw him we were totally fine, getting ready for work together and making out on the couch, the whole shebang. Like I didn't even get to have a real break up with him and that pisses me off thinking about it. I want to scream and fight and yell at you and call you crazy for ending something so perfect, but all I got to do was send some rude text messages.
But my point is it hurts...and I don't know how to make the pain stop. I have gone out with other guys since, tried to find someone to fill the void, but I often find myself comparing them to him. Even the guys who far exceed him still just aren't good enough for me. I end up shutting them out after two or three dates. I've gone out with girlfriends and just did what you're supposed to do at 23 years old, but still just gone home and have felt so empty. I have exhausted all of my options at this point, and am starting to think I may never get completely over it..but here's to hoping that I can get over it at least enough to have a somewhat normal relationship down the road.
When you fall that quickly and that hard things are rough. He was my best friend, and I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him and it all ended and I quite frankly don't even know what I did to make him want to end it. We talked all the time about spending the rest of our lives together and how much in love we were. I literally wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with this guy and I was so excited to be able to spend every single day with him. Looking back now I took the time we spent together for granted and I hate myself for it. I spent too much time checking my phone when I was with him and not enough time enjoying what I had right in front of me. Granted, he had been texting this other girl non stop for the entire last month of our relationship, so he's really to blame, but I can't help but sit there and blame myself. Like what if I just did this one thing different, would he still be with me, would we be buying furniture like we had originally planned, would we be getting ready for our trip north so he could meet my parents? Who knows. I don't know. I'm having the hardest time with this and I don't really know where else to turn. If any of ya'll have any advice, I'd be so happy to hear it, because as much as I hate to admit my faults, I need help.
I don't want to let this ruin the rest of my life. I sound dramatic, even to myself right now, but it's true. It's hard.
Anyway, since all of this has gone down, and I'm just not happy in general anymore, because everything reminds me of him, I have decided to move back north and back in with my parents. I need to take a break and really find myself, and I think that's when the real healing process with start. I can be away from things that trigger my thinking about him, and I can put my focus back into my job and my family. I think it will be good to go back home and reconnect with family and old friends. I am hoping this is the right decision for me...but in the back of my mind I can't help but think that once I leave, that's when it's really over between him and I. There's no chance of us ever working once I pack my bags and drive away, and that scares the shit out of me. Even though I know I shouldn't be with him anyway, because he's a total asshole who cheated on me, I still wait everyday for the text where he's telling me he's sorry and that he made a huge mistake. I come home from work everyday just hoping that he'll be waiting in my driveway, with the open arms that I remember, that I used to love coming home to. Living your life like that fucking sucks. because deep deep down you know it's never going to happen, and even if it did happen it wouldn't be a good thing, but everything inside you wants so desperatley for it to happen. I'm rambbling now. the point is that I'm saying goodbye to the sweet south where I have found myself and made a home for the past 3 years. The south has got its roots dug deep in me however, so I can say for sure I won't be up north forever. I know I'll find my way back down here. I may be a yankee by birth, but this girl is as southern as they come. I'll be headed up north in early november, and if everything works the way I want it to, I'm going to be video documenting my whole experience with it. So stay tuned for more updates on that.
I love ya'll. thank you for not judging me when I go on my rambles, and please tell me at least one of you have felt this way, and that I'm not a total crazy person.
Since we last spoke, I've fallen in and out of love..hard.
I met this boy (online, where else?) and I swear the chemistry was INSTANT. Ya know when you meet someone and you just know. Well that's what it was like, this guy brought out a side of me that I didn't even know I had. We were inseparable for five months, planned on moving in together, even looked at engagement rings together, but life has a funny way of working out, and all good things have to come to an end.
Guys, it's been a month and a half, and I'm still not over it. I can't even begin to tell you how many sleepless nights I've had, or days I've gone without being able to eat anything because I just feel so physically sick. I put everything I had into a relationship that ended just so out of no where. I was totally blindsided. The worst part is that he has a new girlfriend already (not as cute or as great as I am, but still) and I'm over here still trying to put the pieces of my life back together. I know we all have to go through this horrible heartache at some point in our lives, but I'm a pretty strong girl, I did not expect this break up to affect me as much as it has. I didn't even get to say goodbye or anything. He went to a softball tournament and came back and literally texted me and was like we are done. I'm even more pissed at him because he took the easy way out. I hate when guys do that. But the last time I saw him we were totally fine, getting ready for work together and making out on the couch, the whole shebang. Like I didn't even get to have a real break up with him and that pisses me off thinking about it. I want to scream and fight and yell at you and call you crazy for ending something so perfect, but all I got to do was send some rude text messages.
But my point is it hurts...and I don't know how to make the pain stop. I have gone out with other guys since, tried to find someone to fill the void, but I often find myself comparing them to him. Even the guys who far exceed him still just aren't good enough for me. I end up shutting them out after two or three dates. I've gone out with girlfriends and just did what you're supposed to do at 23 years old, but still just gone home and have felt so empty. I have exhausted all of my options at this point, and am starting to think I may never get completely over it..but here's to hoping that I can get over it at least enough to have a somewhat normal relationship down the road.
When you fall that quickly and that hard things are rough. He was my best friend, and I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him and it all ended and I quite frankly don't even know what I did to make him want to end it. We talked all the time about spending the rest of our lives together and how much in love we were. I literally wanted nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with this guy and I was so excited to be able to spend every single day with him. Looking back now I took the time we spent together for granted and I hate myself for it. I spent too much time checking my phone when I was with him and not enough time enjoying what I had right in front of me. Granted, he had been texting this other girl non stop for the entire last month of our relationship, so he's really to blame, but I can't help but sit there and blame myself. Like what if I just did this one thing different, would he still be with me, would we be buying furniture like we had originally planned, would we be getting ready for our trip north so he could meet my parents? Who knows. I don't know. I'm having the hardest time with this and I don't really know where else to turn. If any of ya'll have any advice, I'd be so happy to hear it, because as much as I hate to admit my faults, I need help.
I don't want to let this ruin the rest of my life. I sound dramatic, even to myself right now, but it's true. It's hard.
Anyway, since all of this has gone down, and I'm just not happy in general anymore, because everything reminds me of him, I have decided to move back north and back in with my parents. I need to take a break and really find myself, and I think that's when the real healing process with start. I can be away from things that trigger my thinking about him, and I can put my focus back into my job and my family. I think it will be good to go back home and reconnect with family and old friends. I am hoping this is the right decision for me...but in the back of my mind I can't help but think that once I leave, that's when it's really over between him and I. There's no chance of us ever working once I pack my bags and drive away, and that scares the shit out of me. Even though I know I shouldn't be with him anyway, because he's a total asshole who cheated on me, I still wait everyday for the text where he's telling me he's sorry and that he made a huge mistake. I come home from work everyday just hoping that he'll be waiting in my driveway, with the open arms that I remember, that I used to love coming home to. Living your life like that fucking sucks. because deep deep down you know it's never going to happen, and even if it did happen it wouldn't be a good thing, but everything inside you wants so desperatley for it to happen. I'm rambbling now. the point is that I'm saying goodbye to the sweet south where I have found myself and made a home for the past 3 years. The south has got its roots dug deep in me however, so I can say for sure I won't be up north forever. I know I'll find my way back down here. I may be a yankee by birth, but this girl is as southern as they come. I'll be headed up north in early november, and if everything works the way I want it to, I'm going to be video documenting my whole experience with it. So stay tuned for more updates on that.
I love ya'll. thank you for not judging me when I go on my rambles, and please tell me at least one of you have felt this way, and that I'm not a total crazy person.
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